Dear Dumb Diary.
Today is October 8th 2025.
/* Rob the Original - Haley Blais */
I feel like I'm in a constant push and pull of too small vs. too big. I am the one in control of my life, my actions, and my affects on the world. Yet I am trapped in situations out of my control. I feel an enormous amount of guilt all the time. I feel guilty about history. I feel guilty about situations that have nothing to do with me. I feel guilty for world events. I feel helpless and its making feel responsible.
Dear Dumb Diary.
Today is October 9th 2025.
/* Weather Song - Joy walk */
I don't feel good. I feel so sick and its like no one here to care. I have no friends. I have no siblings in my house. I barely see my parents. They dont know me. No one knows who I am. I feel so awful about it. I want to be heard. I feel like I'm trapped in loneliness and physical illness. I'm so sick. I dont eat. I'm weak, and ache. I'm in constant pain, my bones crack and pop almost anytime I move. I dont want to have to push myself so much. I need so much help and recovery and I'm not getting any of it. I'm probably going to have to go back to in person school, when I fall next week. I want public school. I want my friends back. I want some type of structure, and having adults actually notice and care. I just feel so ill. I can barely move about my house, I could not imagine having to go school in my state. I have no structure in my life. I have almost no responsibility's, no consequences and no one around enough to understand. My grades are good but I'm so far behind I can't make the deadline.
Dear Dumb Diary.
Today is October 10th 2025.
/* Time and Place - Suddenly */
I've recently come to the understanding that I am an OCD machine. I really did not understand that my thoughts weren't normal till recently. I've been having worse hallucinations. Auditory and Visual, the standard corner of eye, flash, look back hallucinations. But partner that with the paranoia and it is god awful. Paranoia but you can hear and see parts of the trigger, and also you start obsessively repeat thinking about it and triggering it! so much fun. I always said I wasn't anxious, or I didn't have anxiety because I don't. Don't get me wrong being anxious and frightened is a part of my symptoms but I feel like I get anxious over episodes, not "excess worry over everyday situations". Then again I do have horrible social anxiety, but I mostly think that's an environmental development rather then DNA guarantees.